Saturday, July 24

I'm Writing Today Off

Today was one of those days that's best just forgotten. The GM (that's the grief monster, for you who are uninitiated) has been hanging around here lately, threatening to jump up and grab me and hold me tight and not let me go. I woke up this morning at 5:45, which for me is way too early, with the tight knot of anxiety that has become my on and off again companion.

My youngest son chose to sleep rather than accompany me garage saling as we had planned. I find it really difficult to do the garage sale circuit alone, but worse to skip the sales altogether. So I had a blue sale day, and nothing looked particularly interesting, probably more due to my mood than the quality of the sales.

Last week when younger son and I went garage saling, we saw a dirt bike that would have been perfect for him to ride around, but since I know nothing about dirt bikes, I had to take the man's phone number so we could look at it again with oldest son. The first chance oldest son had to see the bike was today, but when I called, the dirt bike had been sold.

For some reason, even though I kept saying that we were just looking at the bike, that I wasn't even sure I wanted him to have one yet, he had already counted on owning that bike. He had already dreamed about spending the next few weeks tinkering on it in the garage, and now he is at a loss for ways to entertain himself. He spent the afternoon moping, complaining that unicycling and bicycling were just not fun anymore, and that we've done nothing special this summer.

This last complaint is true. We have almost always gone on some sort of trip during the summer holidays, but for various reasons, this summer we didn't. The boys usually do quite a bit of golfing, too, but this summer oldest son has mostly been busy in the garage finishing that landcruiser restoration project.

We (youngest son and I) are also facing up to the fact that both oldest son and youngest daughter are planning to spend the next school year away from us. Daughter has her ticket already booked for August 10th, which is in only a couple of weeks. Oldest son will wait until mid-September, and then he plans to go down to Vancouver to work as a glazier on a few movie sets.

And then the bread maker broke. I bought it less than a month ago, and we have really enjoyed it, baking at least two loaves every day. Today it stopped having enough oomph to mix or knead the dough. That shouldn't be much of a problem--I ought to be able to just take the stupid thing back--but the queen of organization cannot find the receipt. There are only a couple of places it could be, and it's not there.

I read these things over and they seem pretty stinkin' trivial. But they're not trivial, not when you're already fighting to stay out of the grasp of the GM. All these small things just bring into sharper focus how much in our lives is not right. How much is not what it was. We have a new normal, and mostly that new normal feels alright, but today it doesn't.

At least now I know that these GM visits don't last forever, and just have to be endured. I know too, that they are coming less and less often. But they still come. I suppose they will come forever. From now on out, I will have write-off days.